Weddingbee

Hi! I love your site…best wedding blog site ever!

I have a question. I’m getting married at the end of September in Maryland…our reception is in a tent. I hope the weather will be nice and sunny, but after the sun goes down, I think the temperature may drop a bit. I’m wondering what I could wear on top of my dress during dinner in case I get cold…a pashmina? A small cardigan?

Thanks in advance!

Leena

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Hi Leena,

I’m so glad you asked this question! I’ve been keeping a wedding “style book” since…well, truth be told, since well before I ever got engaged. I have noticed a trend in wearing cardigans with wedding dresses, and think it is so wonderfully chic! In fact, I ripped out this picture from the Summer 2004 In Style Weddings issue, because I thought it was just such a fabulously stylish way to mix up your wedding day attire and even add a pop of color. It’s great b/c you can add the cardigan later (and almost accomplish the same sort of feeling as changing your outfit!). These days you can find beautifully soft cashmere sweaters, and perhaps something with a little bejeweled bling would really make your wedding dress pop.

Pashminas are a bit tired for me…they just feel verrry overdone at this point.

Of course, if money is no object (and you are not anti-fur) there are also some gorgeous fur stoles and wraps that you can add. Carolina Herrera makes a mink one that they show with their bridal line that is just about the softest thing I’ve ever touched. And there is certainly nothing wrong with fake fur either, if you want to go that route.

But personally, since it’s not going to be *that* cold, I would go for a fab cardigan! It feels very sort of “Breakfast at Tiffanys”/”Sabrina”-esque to me, which is just fab, fab, fab!

sashay, chante,

Erica
www.paperbride.com
www.papermama.com

Dear Wedding Bee Babes,

I know I’m usually the one doling out advice like candy in a school yard, but now I have a question! Despite my research online, I can’t seem to find any kind of a straight answer. Our wedding is going to be on Oct 21st in Palm Desert, CA. Although I have a few friends coming from LA, for most it will be a destination wedding. The reception is going to be at my aunt’s house and the number of people who RSVP is going to determine the setup (i.e if we just do tables out in the backyard or end up needing the front courtyard as well). So, a lot is actually hinging on our final numbers.

We are sending out invites in early August (to give everyone lots of time) and I’m wondering when we should set our RSVP deadline date as? I’ve heard the two weeks before the wedding is standard, BUT, everyone who is coming will need to make travel plans and reservations, so it’s not going to be a last minute decision for anyone. Plus, the sooner we know how many people are coming, the better we can prepare (two weeks before really won’t give us enough time).

I would like to set the deadline reply date for Mid-Sept. However, my mother-in-law is telling me that this will create a logistical nightmare b/c we will end up with lots of people who say yes and then change their minds or vice versa. I disagreed only b/c of the travel factor (if people are coming to the wedding and they don’t know by mid sept, they likely won’t be able to get a hotel room or perhaps even a plane reservation).

The sooner we get that final number, the sooner we can finalize all of our reception plans, which are a lot more complicated b/c we are not dealing with a standard ballroom. Ok, what do you ladies think??

Miss Beetle

Last month I lost my father unexpectedly. As I’m starting to finalize my wedding plans, I’d like to find a way to honor my father. Do you guys have any suggestions on a way I could do this?

Thanks!
Emily

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Hi Emily,

I’m so sorry about your dad. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to go through the stress of planning a wedding and have something like that happen. My heart goes out to you.

Honoring a deceased parent or loved one is something that many people struggle with and I think it’s a super duper personal decision in terms of deciding how to do it. As with all of my advice, please keep in mind that my answers are in no way, shape, or form an absolute — just an opinionated bride-to-be tryin’ to help some sisters out!

I actually asked our Rabbi about doing something during our ceremony to honor my grandpa and uncle, who both passed away over the last several years. The Rabbi warned strongly against doing something during our wedding ceremony, however, as he said he’s found it’s often very hard for couples to mix such sad emotions with happy ones. He
suggested we do something either during the reception or, perhaps the night before at our rehearsal dinner. I had never thought of mixing the sad with the happy before, and after considering it, realized I didn’t necessarily want to give myself another reason to cry at the ceremony. However, that was my decision and you may very well feel differently (which is ok!).

I plan to have one of my grandpa’s favorite songs played at the wedding, during which I thought it would be nice to have my brother or one of the other grandkids dance with my grandma to (and I will dance with my new husband too). I also plan to have framed family photos all throughout our space, and will certainly include as many as I can of my grandpa and uncle. Finally, I plan to mention them during our “couples speech” at the rehearsal dinner the night before.

I have heard of others doing things such as leaving an empty chair (at either the reception or the ceremony) for a loved one, reading a specific passage at the ceremony to honor their memory, or even including a special photo or mention in the wedding program. Another idea I love is somehow incorporating their memory in the favors. Perhaps your dad had a favorite cookie? You could give out chocolate chip cookies as your favors to remember him.

Another thing to consider is the father/daughter dance. I have a good friend who’s father passed away who chose to forgo the dance altogether because it would have been too painful for her. Another friend chose a song that was special to her and her dad and danced to it with her brother.

How you choose to honor his memory is certainly up to you and is a very personal sort of thing. No matter what you decide, you can be assured that your dad will certainly be with you on your special day in spirit.

Good luck and congratulations!

Erica

I want to have a reading at my ceremony and was wondering if you had any suggestions for nice poems or passages that would be appropriate. I am looking for something that is sweet and romantic, and not religious, overly sentimental or too clichÆ’©.

Thanks for your help, and for the awesome (and addictive) website!

Erin

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Hi Erin,

This is a tough one as I think ceremony readings are super duper personal. In fact, I think the most meaningful readings are the ones in which there is some sort of personal connection associated with either the words or the author for the bride and groom.

I went to a wedding recently where the bride and groom read each other their valentines day cards from the first year they were together (which had everyone swooning), and of course, Dr. Seuss and other children’s books (such as the Velveteen Rabbit) tend to be favorites of those who are looking for something non-religious.

Song lyrics have also become popular choices, and might provide a meaningful passage or two if you have a special one (you could read one verse and your man could read another).

Though I haven’t checked any of them out personally, there are a number of books available of various ideas for ceremony readings (such as this one from The Knot).

I also found this great ceremony readings roundup thread from Indie Bride that might be helpful (seems like there are a ton of non-religious suggestions there).

Word up,
Erica
www.paperbride.com
www.papermama.com

Hi,

Recently my BM asked me to compose a list of who to invite for my potential shower. But aside from my friends, who should I invite? My fiance is pretty close with some of his cousins — should I invite them? And I can’t just include some of his cousins, I’d have to invite all of them, right? I’m just concerned about making them feel obligated to attend and/or getting me a gift.

Thanks,
rm

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Hey Rm,

This one is pretty easy, though it does require a bit of thought and planning. You should invite your fiance’s cousins to your shower if they are also invited to the wedding. All of the women who are invited to the wedding should all, technically, be invited to the shower (so you’ll need to think about who makes the list and who doesn’t). The exception would be those who live a long distance away and won’t be able to attend, however, depending on your relationship, you may want to invite some of them out of courtesy anyway.

Without knowing the dynamic of your family, it’s a bit harder to answer this question, but I would probably say that yes — if you invite one cousin you should probably invite them all. If they cannot attend, then at least they know they were included and that you wanted them to be there. I’ve usually found that in situations like this when I did not want to “burden” others with obligations or gift giving responsibilities, they were usually more hurt by not being included.

Of course, nothing is written in stone and different situations may require different responses, but this is just my point of view (which I should remind you is NOT at all based on anything but my opinion and my own self-annointed wedding junkie status).

shower the people you love with love,

Erica
www.paperbride.com
www.papermama.com

You’ve had blogs about creative wedding ideas and such but what about how to pay for them?! Know of any good credit cards that offer 0 % down for one year so when the year comes, our wedding gifts (cash) will be used to pay for the the credit cards? Anyone have any other ideas on how to pay for the wedding????

HELP!!!

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Dear Thrifty Bride,

Weddings are insanely, ridiculously, earth-shatteringly expensive. No need to mince words here, it’s just a fact of life. In my experience, most brides fall into two main categories: those who are lucky enough to be filthy rich or have a filthy rich family so there is no concern about beluga caviar for all, 16 piece bands or $15,000 site fees…and then there are the rest of us. Budgets certainly differ in size and scope, but most of us have them. And whether your budget is $5000 or $20,000, budgets are darn difficult to stick to. Having a lower budget just means you’ll have to get a bit more creative!

In terms of credit cards, I would try to avoid that method at all costs. Even if you have a year at zero percent, things tend to come up. All of the sudden you might find your year is up and your 18% interest kicks in and you just spent all your loot on great Christmas presents. In terms of what you should do, I would suggest a couple of the following tips as starting points:

*Embrace the concept of DIY wholeheartedly: putting together elements of your own wedding is fun and way less expensive than letting someone else worry about it. You can, pretty painlessly, create your own wedding invites, save-the-dates, favors, even centerpieces. Gartner Studios has a pretty fab do-it-yourself invite printing program that looks easy as pie.

*Plan your wedding for an “off” day or time of the year. For the most part, everyone wants to get married on a Saturday night and spring and fall are the two most popular times of the year. If you plan your wedding for a Friday night–or even something more creative like a Wednesday night, you will find significant savings with almost every vendor as these nights are often left unbooked for them. If you choose winter over spring, you will also save.

*Start saving! I’m sure you and your fiance have already begun to do this, but it might not be a bad idea to sit down and go over every bill and every expense you have and see where you can cut back. Call your credit card companies and get the interest rates lowered; ditch Showtime and HBO from your cable bill or ditch cable altogether; switch to a VOIP phone service such as vonage to avoid expensive monthly phone bills. I would also recommend starting a separate savings account that you can use to put any extra cash you might come across for the wedding.

There are loads more ideas out there for saving money, but hopefully this will get you started. In the meantime, keep reading Weddingbee as there are always oodles of great specific tips from brides trying to make it work thrifty style.

a penny saved is a penny earned,

Erica
www.paperbride.com
www.papermama.com

Miss Beetle,

I read Mrs. Bee’s entry last week on early bird brides, and I have a confession to make: I am one!

Chrissie
Lexington, KY

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Dear Early Bird,

We are a kindred spirit. I had stacks of “bridal porn” hidden underneath my bed long before I had any bling on my finger–a girl’s gotta plan ahead, right? That’s what I told myself, at least. Forget about Brad and Angelina. I was hooked on Preston Bailey and Carolina Herrera. I was so immersed in everything bridal, I actually started my own bridal biz!

Anyway, I was in a very similar situation to yours, and my engagement still managed to be a total surprise. After visiting with our diamond guy and choosing my ring and my setting, I completely and totally just let the thought of it go. I forgot about it. Completely put it out of my mind. This may sound easier said than done, but you should be in the most relaxed state of mind there is right now. You’ve got your guy… got a gorgeous sparkler on the way and you know this engagement will be coming. If it comes in 2 weeks or two months, it’s still comin’, so try to relax and forget about it for the time being. If you are analyzing every phone call, putting on mascara and straightening your hair to go get coffee in the morn or second guessing every “hey let’s grab a bite to eat” your fiance offers, that does suck a bit of the fun out of it all, don’t you agree?

You’re a super duper lucky girl. So just forget about everything for now, relax, enjoy your time with your guy and make sure you’ve always got some lip gloss within easy reach. That’s about as much planning as I would recommend at this point.

Good luck Ms. Early Bird bride-to-be!
Erica
www.paperbride.com
www.papermama.com

Hi there,
I am in the process of wax sealing my invitations. Do I have to put the wax on the outside envelope or on the inside envelope? If I put the wax seal on the outside envelope wouldn’t get ruined?

Thanks a lot,

Nina

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Hey Nina,

In the past, wax seals were traditionally used on the outside of the envelope…sort of as a lovely finishing touch. However, my main wedding motto is: do whatever the heck you want!

Many brides have decided they truly love the look of the seal and have even used it on the actual invite. Inside envelopes are OK too, just keep in mind that the outside envelope may not close “flat” with a bumpy seal on the inside. If you do decide to use the seal on the outside, make sure you bring your invites to the post office so that they can be “hand cancelled.” This basically means that instead of all of your pretty envelopes being fed through a machine, someone will hand stamp them with the date, thereby avoiding some of those mucky marks that the machines tend to imprint.

This bride actually hot-glued her wax seals to the envelopes to ensure nothing would fall off en route. If you are worrisome about how your own envelopes will make it through the mail, I would recommend you send one to yourself and see what condition it arrives in.

wax on, wax off,
Erica
www.paperbride.com
www.papermama.com

Hi Bees!

I am planning to have my wedding in Houston on November 25th, 2006 and I am still trying to get resources on Houston make up artists and hairstylists. Do you have any suggestions about how and where to find a makeup artist and hair stylist for me, my bridesmaids, and moms for the wedding without breaking the bank? All the KNOT listings I have looked at cost over 400 dollars for wedding day and trial for hair and makeup and $100 average for hair and makeup for the maids.

I am having an early wedding so that makes it even more costly since there is an early morning fee, but that is understandable. I mean, what ARE the average rates for bridal hair and makeup? Am I just being a cheap skate? Thanks and I am so addicted to your site even though I live in Houston. I wish so much we had something like weddingbee.com for Houston. Keep up the awesome work!

Anne

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Hi Anne,

I know Mrs. Bee is probably saying “Aww, shucks…” right about now. The response to Weddingbee has been so over-the-top fantastic (I’m just as excited to read it every day as you are!) that I’m sure plans to expand slowly but surely are already in the works. If it were up to me, I would put a Weddingbee in every city, state, village and hamlet in this great big country of ours, so stay tuned for Weddingbees in other cities and locales.

In terms of finding a make-up artist and hair person, in situations like this, I always try to get creative. Here are a few ideas:

There are some wonderfully talented make-up artists working at the make-up counters of finer department stores. Take a girlfriend with you one day and go on a blitz through the cosmetic counters at the nicest department store you have in town. Almost all of the cosmetic lines employ artists who, often, do freelance work. If you have a favorite line of make-up, start there and see if you “vibe” with the make-up artist. If so, it’s absolutely appropriate to ask if they ever do any event work and see if you can’t strike a deal. Often these make-up artists are trying to make a name for themselves and are more than happy to take on fun freelance projects like weddings and events.

*Craigslist is also a great resource. In fact, I know brides who have found virtually all of their vendors for their wedding there. Check out the “Gigs” section under the “event” category or the “Services” section under the “event” category. Since this method is a bit more informal, try to get some references and make sure you meet with whomever you are corresponding with to ensure that they will be able to give you the look you are going after. Some great deals can be had, though.

*Where do you get your haircut? Perhaps the salon you go to offers these types of event services for a better rate? Is there a new, hip salon in town you’ve been aching to try? Give them a call and find out what the rates are.

*Another idea would be to call the concierge at a nicer hotel in town. Often these hotels play host to weddings and have a number of great references for all sorts of vendors. Pretend that you will be attending a wedding that is taking place there and tell them you are looking for referals for reasonably priced hair/make-up people. You might just get
lucky.

*Are there any local beauty schools in your area? If so, this can be a treasure trove of talent at super reasonable prices. Call up the school, explain your situation and see if they can’t recommend an advanced student who might be able to help you. You might even luck out and find someone who would be willing to do this for free if you promised to talk them up like crazy on the bridal boards and allow your photos to be used for their
portfolio.

In terms of average prices, it really is all over the board. Here in New York, $100 for hair and make-up would be a red-hot bargain. However, plenty of brides/bridesmaids simply can’t spend that much and think of all sorts of ways to get creative.

Check out the local boards on theknot.com, weddingchannel.com or even sites like indiebride.com for ideas about how much other brides have spent in your area. Don’t be afraid to set a budget for yourself and then do your darndest to try and stick with it. Be realistic, but also be creative. If you use some of these money saving tips, you’ll be sure to look gorgeous and maybe even have a few bucks left for things like…dinner

Good luck, beautiful bride!

Erica
www.paperbride.com
www.papermama.com

Is it proper etiquette that you have to ask someone, who has asked you to be their BM, to be your BM? I’ve been told by a few people that it’s a given. Please advise, and thanks!

Diane

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Di, Di, Diane,

Not sure which angle you’re coming at from in the whole “will you be my bridesmaid” sitch, but here is my honest take. Asking someone to be a bridesmaid in your wedding is really one of the highest honors you can bestow upon someone. A bride is, essentially, asking someone to stand by her side and join her in one of the most important and meaningful moments in her life. Does she really want her old sorority sister who she used to be BFF’s with but now barely talks to up there just because she was a maid in her wedding?

My guess is no.

Emily Post might disagree with me, but in my opinion, the only people a bride should be asking to take part in their big day are the very most important ones in their life at that moment in time. Relationships change, people change and sometimes friends just grow apart. I wrote full on one page missives in yearbooks to “lifelong” friends I had in high school that I’ve never seen since. Or perhaps someone was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding who had a large wedding party and they want a very small one. Or maybe a bride is having a destination wedding and decided not to have any bridesmaids. The truth is, one size does not fit all.

While I very much believe in doing the “right thing,” sending a thank you note when warranted, and treating people kindly, I also like to remind brides that this is a day that is all about them and their future husband. I think sometimes people get too wrapped up in the “etiquette” of weddings and what they “should do” versus what they want to. When we get so wrapped up in the “shoulda, coulda, woulda,” we tend to forget about making sure that a bride’s day is, most importantly, about doing whatever it is that she and her fiance really want to!

Hope that helps.
Happy Bridesmaid-ing!